


The Biscuit Thief

by Caeseria



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Crack, Food, Hand Job, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-05
Updated: 2010-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-09 08:07:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/84881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caeseria/pseuds/Caeseria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of Gojyo's chocolate biscuits are missing.  Gojyo has a bit of a surprise when he finally tracks down the thief.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Biscuit Thief

**Author's Note:**

> Utter, total crack.  I cannot mention this (or apologize) enough.  Brought about by the comment at the bottom of[](http://eldanis.livejournal.com/profile)[**eldanis**](http://eldanis.livejournal.com/) '  wonderful picture of Sanzo [here](http://community.livejournal.com/saiyuki/1270239.html). 

Gojyo pulled the biscuit packet out of his bag, grimaced and raised his eyes skyward. He took a deep, calming breath and tried to resist the urge to go completely batshit insane.

Some fucker had eaten _half_ his packet of chocolate digestive biscuits and had had the balls to leave the evidence lying around. They were mocking him, making it obvious they knew about his obsession and were flaunting it in his face. Gojyo crumpled the top of the packet between his shaking fingers and silently vowed retribution. _Dire_ retribution.

Feigning nonchalance, Gojyo returned to the campfire and sat with his back against a tree trunk, watching the rest of the ikkou suspiciously. Hakkai was unfolding blankets and trying to look innocent, smoothing out the folds in his sleeping bag, the sneaky fucking biscuit-snatcher. It would be just like Hakkai, wouldn’t it? He was always going on about vitamins and proper food groups. No doubt he’d decided to fight back in some kinda sadistic reverse-psychology thingy by eating Gojyo’s carefully hoarded junk food.

Goku made a noise of discomfort and lay down near the fire, holding his distended belly gingerly. “I think I ate too much at dinner, Sanzo.”

“Can it, monkey.” Sanzo didn’t even look up from his paper.

Hah. Goku was looking kinda green in the face and bloated; perhaps the monkey had been at his junk? But wait, would Goku be able to manage to pull off the amount of sneaking necessary for something like this? Gojyo didn’t think so. The half-eaten biscuits continued to mock him silently from his duffel bag, calling to him. _Eat me, Gojyo-san! Lick my smooth and velvety milk chocolate, nibble on my sweet but crunchy biscuity underside…._

_Ah god_. He couldn’t take it; it was killing him. Gojyo scrubbed a hand across his face and lit a cigarette in the hope that the nicotine would put a lid on his craving. He only had what – eight biscuits left now? It wasn’t enough.  It was never enough. His fingers curled needily in the fabric of his jeans. 

“Gojyo, are you all right?” The biscuit-snatcher looked concerned for his well-being. Figured.

“Sure, ‘Kai,” he managed to grind out, trying to sound calm. He was gonna have to wait until everyone was asleep and then check for tell-tale crumbs, it was the only way, unless he could flush the thief out with clever questioning…

Hakkai sat down next to Gojyo and poked the fire with a long stick, content to sit in companionable silence.

“Hey, Hakkai? You been in my bag lately, ya know, to look for anything?” Gojyo blurted out, unable to endure the tension.

Hakkai blinked innocently at Gojyo while he thought back. “No, Gojyo, I don’t believe so.   Oh, wait, you asked me to fetch your toothbrush yesterday morning.”

Well fuck, they hadn’t hit town until yesterday afternoon, so if Hakkai was telling the truth, he couldn’t be taking Gojyo’s food. That left the monkey and the monk, the shifty bastards.

Gojyo patted Hakkai on the knee, stood up and walked around the fire to squat in front of Goku. “Monkey, you been in my stuff?” he demanded.

“Huh?” Goku raised his head off the ground and then exhaled slowly, trying to breathe through his discomfort. “I ain’t been in your stuff, pervert! Why would I go in your bag?”

Sanzo snorted. “You might catch further idiocy,” he stated, turning the page of his newspaper.

“Why?” Goku half sat up, curiosity getting the better of his stomach problems.

“_Someone’s_ been in my bag and snatched half my packet of digestives,” Gojyo said with a glare. He poked Goku’s shoulder for good measure. “I – “

 _I nearly had to blow the fucking stall-holder to get those fucking things, moron._ “You know how hard they are to get hold of, crap-head?” he yelled instead.

“I don’t fucking have them, pervert kappa!” Goku yelled back.

"STOP!" There was a sudden flash of white, the air moved by Gojyo's ear and then there was an incredible stinging sensation as the fan connected with his shoulder. Sanzo flicked his wrist lazily and the fan connected with Goku's head seconds later. 

"I don't care who ate the fucking biscuits," snapped Sanzo. "It’s just _food_. Deal with it!"

“Fuck you, your pissy Holiness,” Gojyo muttered, rubbing his shoulder. He may have lost this round but he hadn’t missed the fleeting guilty look on Sanzo’s face a split-second before he’d unpacked the fan of doom.

“Fuck off,” Sanzo added for good measure, rustling the paper loudly.

Gojyo snorted. “Have it your way, Mr. Twenty-seven-inch Waist, or is that twenty-nine? You look like you’re packing on the pounds, Sanzo-sama. Anything you wanna share with the group?”

“Do you want to die?” Sanzo tried to look aloof and unconcerned and failed miserably.

Gojyo made a displeased huffing noise and decided a tactical retreat was a better option for the moment. He'd wait the monk out and catch him red-handed. Oh yes, Sanzo’s days of biscuit sneaking were over, as of right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Gojyo had to force himself to stay awake but in the end it was worth it for the payoff. Long after Goku had started snoring and Hakkai had begun muttering in his sleep about mass murder and entrails, Sanzo finally rolled out of his blanket and took off into the forest. Gojyo hadn’t seen the monk carrying his missing biscuits but they could be stashed in one of his sleeves or something.

He waited a tense half a minute before setting off after Sanzo. He’d lost the monk’s trail straightaway – he could be anywhere. Besides, Gojyo wasn’t good at tracking people; he’d have to make a good guess and hope he was right. How far would a person need to go in order to find a nice safe place to scarf back half a packet of biscuits in peace? Gojyo wasted a good five minutes trying to decide what to do next.

Soft sounds drew Gojyo’s attention and he left the animal track and walked further into the woods, following the noises. He had the fucking monk now. Gojyo paused, listening again, trying to filter out the nighttime sound of the forest and the animals and focus on the human sounds. There it was again – a soft moan a few feet ahead, followed by another as Sanzo’s breath hitched quietly.

Gojyo kinda felt squicky all of a sudden. If Sanzo was enjoying the biscuits that much, he wasn’t sure he wanted to stumble on that kind of situation. He had visions of a half-reclining Sanzo priest, fingers sticky with warm chocolate and a blissful expression on his face. It was kinda an odd image and it wasn’t sitting well with Gojyo’s brain.

Still, he had to know. Taking a deep, calming breath, Gojyo crept forward the last few feet and crouched down behind the cover of a low-lying bush and a tree trunk. Carefully, he parted the bush and stared into the small clearing.

Holy shit. Holy _motherfucking_ shit. Gojyo wasn't sure what he'd been expecting to find, but it wasn't this. Yeah, so perhaps he'd expected to find Sanzo rolling in chocolate digestives on the ground or something, licking the melted chocolate off of his fingers...whatever. Maybe stuffing three at a time into his mouth like Goku but...but. Gojyo tried not to squeak.

Sanzo was kneeling on the ground, half naked, with just his silk top and arm warmers on. His head was thrown back, neck exposed and he was thrusting his hips into his fist, fucking his hand, nice and slow. Gojyo forgot the biscuits for a moment and his mind focused on the muscles in Sanzo’s perfect ass as he rocked his hips.  

Sanzo was making small desperate noises in his throat, like it hurt. His breathing was erratic and Gojyo watched in silence as Sanzo licked his dry lips and then swallowed. Watched as his Adam's apple bobbed, his hips arched into his hand. The head of Sanzo’s cock was angry and red, leaking pre-come. When Sanzo moved his thumb over the slit in his cock and moaned, Gojyo thought his pants just might burst.

Fuck this. Gojyo tore his eyes away from Sanzo long enough to check that nobody was around and undid his jeans, taking out his cock. He fisted his erection in time with Sanzo, copying his movements. Pretended it was Sanzo's hand on his cock. He was so fucking hard already he was gonna explode.

Sanzo was starting to take gasping breaths now, his hips jerking erratically into his fist, one hand flat on the ground behind him to keep his balance, arching his back. 

_Yeah, just...right there, Sanzo. Fuck._ A low moan escaped from Gojyo's mouth; he couldn't stop it. Fortunately, Sanzo was too involved to notice.

"Fuck, yeah." Sanzo's voice was breathless and his body shook with fine tremors. He fisted his cock faster, his knuckles white. Suddenly he arched back, a sharp grunt of pleasure torn from his throat. Sanzo jerked his cock again and came over his hand and on the ground in front of him, hitting the grass. 

Gojyo came hard with Sanzo, his orgasm fast and unexpected, sneaking up on him. Gojyo fought to get his breath under control and not make any noise; he didn’t fancy becoming a dead kappa any time soon. Still, his legs felt like jelly and he thought he might need a few smokes to calm the fuck down when he got back to camp. 

He cleaned off, tucked himself back in and looked up, wondering what a post-orgasmic Sanzo might look like. He was quite the vision with his eyes closed, cheeks flushed and his breath still stuttering. Sanzo leaned down, one hand braced in front of him while he continued to slowly fist his cock through the aftershocks of orgasm. Gojyo was gonna have to try that sometime, it looked intense.

Sanzo finally opened his eyes and seemed to come to himself, letting go of his dick and wiping his hand in the grass. Gojyo was about to turn away and beat a hasty retreat before Sanzo noticed anything out of the ordinary, when Sanzo leaned between his knees and picked something up.

Curious, Gojyo leaned forward, trying to see what it was. He had a really bad feeling about this all of a sudden…

_No fucking way!_ It was one of his fucking chocolate digestive biscuits. Sanzo had just jacked off over one of his biscuits! _Sick fucking perverted monk! _

Gojyo knelt there, behind the bush, open-mouthed with disbelief. He watched as Sanzo held the digestive delicately between his fingers and leaned forward and licked it. His pink tongue came out and Gojyo watched with shocked fascination as Sanzo took a wide lick of first the chocolate side of the biscuit and then turned it over, licking the crunchy and sweet side. Sanzo moaned and his eyelids fluttered closed for a moment.

_Oh my fucking god._ Gojyo bit on his fist, not sure whether to laugh out loud or run screaming from the sheer inventive perversity of the monk. Instead, he put his hand over his eyes and tried to take a deep, soothing breath and remain calm. His nose started to bleed.

Gojyo already knew Sanzo was a pervert. The man put fucking mayo and salt on ramen, for fuck's sake. Now he could see where he got his bizarre tastes. Gojyo was never eating ramen with Sanzo ever again. Ever.

If anyone ever found out Sanzo was jacking off over Gojyo’s biscuits and then eating them... heaven help them all.

Sanzo moaned again, the sound travelling down Gojyo's spine and settling in his dick and balls. Sanzo consumed the entire biscuit and methodically began to lick his fingers clean, one by one, his tongue sweeping between each finger. 

Gojyo tried to stem his nosebleed with his shirt and slid down onto the ground, his legs and brain finally giving out. Not daring to move, he waited until Sanzo finished off the biscuits and then got dressed and left the clearing. 

Gojyo's perverted brain began to tick over. Exactly how many chocolate digestives would it take to convince Sanzo to let Gojyo watch him jerk off? Two packets, three maybe – no, better start off small and warm the monk up slowly. He'd accidentally leave the rest of the original packet out tomorrow night and see if Sanzo went for it.

Gojyo had a sudden vision of Sanzo playing ‘find the biscuit in Gojyo’s pants.’ Hell, that was hot, right? Better yet, if that failed, he’d just blackmail Sanzo the old-fashioned way. Heh.


End file.
